When I was young, every time Mommy missed a night na hindi niya ako naabutang gising sa kuwarto, she would be early in my bedroom the next morning. I’d wake up with her already dressed up, ready na sa pagpasok. She always looked tired and kahit na alam kong she needed to get going, tatanungin niya pa rin ako how my day went the previous day.                 

She was always busy. I was with lola until I was seven. My mom’s struggling at her job sa isang office. I only saw her every weekend.  I didn’t mind lola though she was very strict. At a young age, I understood a few things.                

Firstly, that my mom’s family was rich. Lola owned a huge plantation sa province. There were a couple of helpers sa ancestral house namin. They were the few trusted families na matagal nang nakatira sa lupa ng pamilya nila lola.                 

And second, na kahit mayaman sila Mommy, she wanted to work on her own. We weren’t poor but we’re just getting by. I could still remember how my cousins sa father side ko made comments about my dress or about my toys. My lola never bought me expensive things. Kapag may mga family reunions, I would only look on sa mga gamit ng mga pinsan ko – scooters, rollerblades, Hello Kitty bags, and massive play kitchen sets na they’d bring with them. Tuwing uuwi kami sa bahay, I could hear my mom arguing with lola. It was always the same.                    

How come my my mother’s not accepting any money from her late husband’s family? My lola would always say how prideful my mother was. She should think of my wellbeing, her only daughter. She didn’t have the luxury anymore to be selfish. I didn’t like the way Mom looked every time may binibigay sa kanya si lola. It was a brown envelope. My lola would remind her – it’s for Katarina.                  

During those times, my mom would sleep with me sa kuwarto kahit siksikan kaming dalawa sa kama. I didn’t mind. I loved the feeling of being embraced by her. She’d ask me about my day like she always do. Then I’d feel her cry. She wept quietly, without a sound. I would only feel her tears kapag lumapat na ang pisngi niya sa pisngi ko. And despite me not understanding what’s happening, iiyak na din ako. I didn’t want my mom to be sad. I felt like it was my fault.                

She would coo me to sleep, whispering words of assurance. Then she would apologize. She was sorry for not being enough. She was sorry for always leaving me behind. She was sorry for being selfish. At makakatulog na ako. 

I looked out the car window, already missing Winter kahit na ilang minuto pa lang naman ang lumilipas since we left their home. I didn’t want to return sa bahay. I’ve expressed it multiple times. Pero hindi pumapayag si Mommy.                

“They’re so warm and lovely, no?”                 

I nodded but didn’t say anything.                

“Pupunta ka sa kanila sa New Year?”                

Napatingin ako sa kanya. We’ve talked about this. “Mom –”                

“Rina, I know,” putol niya “I know you wanted to be there for Winter’s birthday, right?”                

I exhaled. “Yes…”                

We didn’t say a word again until makalabas na kami pa-EDSA.                

“Eunwoo’s asking about you,” mommy suddenly mentioned. “He asked me if you’ll join us sa Christmas.” I stayed quiet.                

“Honey, I’m not trying to make your life difficult…” mom started with strained voice. “I just want us to be okay. There are a lot more things na nangyayari sa bahay that you need to involve yourself. It’s not okay to sweep them under the rug just because you don’t want to deal with them.”                

I stopped myself from responding. There’s a lot that I wanted to tell her. But we’ve been going in circles and the past weeks had been difficult for me na kinailangan ko munang magpahinga sa bahay ng girlfriend ko.                

“I know that you’re trying your best to understand,” sabi ni mommy after a pointed silence between us. “Alam ko namang hindi mo tanggap. And I’m asking you over and over again, to get through this with me. If you let me –”                

“Mom, why do you think I spent all those weeks with you para sa preparation ng wedding ninyo…?” I asked silently. “I didn’t go there because I’m interested with the gowns or the flower arrangements.”                

“You were with me but you hardly talk to me,” madiin na sabi niya. “Rina, I’m not going to let you continue blocking us off like this. I want us to work, I want you to be okay. Lumalaki na ang kapatid mo. You’ll soon graduate and sooner or later maiintindihan mo rin ang mga ginawa ko.”                

I avoided my mom’s gaze nang saglit siyang tumingin sa akin. How could I be okay…?                

“Rina…”                

I just wanted to be done with it. My mom stopped at a red light. Nasa Boni na kami. “Let’s talk.” 

Kakauwi ko lang from school nang salubungin ako ni Ate Fely sa gate. Parang nagmamadali siyang pagbuksan ako.                

“Pupunta tayo ng ospital.”                

“Po?” I asked, unsure of what I heard.                

“Nandun na ang mommy at daddy mo,” tanging sagot ni Ate Fely, leading our way sa loob ng bahay. “Nagbaon lang ako ng mga pampalit nila. Sabi ng Daddy mo baka kina Giselle ka muna matulog.”                

I wasn’t given much chance para magtanong. Ate Fely was like a mad woman moving around the house, making sure na naka-lock na ang mga bintana at lahat ng access sa bahay na dapat nakasara.                 

“Dinala sa ospital – ” she paused when she saw my horrified look. “Okay lang ang Mommy mo, kabuwanan na niya kaya manganganak na.”                

Should I feel relieved? I heard from our teachers that pregnancy was difficult. Some of my classmates even told me na they knew some people who died during delivery. I kept dreaming about it. I was super worried kay Mommy. She looked okay naman whenever I see her. She would ask me to walk with her around the subdivsion para makapag-exercise daw siya. I’d feel a slight pain in my chest kapag nakikita kong nahihirapan siyang huminga. It’s all part of her being pregnant, she explained to me.                

I was able to change into a shirt and pants nang makita namin si Giselle by the gate. Maglalakad pa kami ni Ate Fely sa may kanto to fetch a taxi.                

“Hey, where are you going?” tanong ni Gigi, eyes on the bulky bag na dala ni Ate Fely.                

“Manganganak na si Mommy,” I muttered, heart beating fast.                

“Wow,” tanging nasabi ng bestfriend ko. She smiled at me encouragingly. “Sabihan mo ‘ko pag may baby na.” I just nodded. 

We quickly arrived at the hospital. I’ve been here a couple of times when my Mom began working as a doctor. She was just so proud that she finally achieved her dream of becoming one na halos araw-araw niya akong dinadala sa hospital with Daddy. Iiwan niya ako sa nurse’s station. I behaved and I didn’t play around the long hallways. There were other kids na kasama ko but I just sat katabi nung head nurse. She was an elderly woman who reminded me so much of my lola. Although she’s kind sa ‘kin and kept giving me candies. We were ushered sa loob ng isang private room where Daddy was already seated and waiting. He immediately stood up nang makita kami at kinuha kay Ate Fely yung mga gamit.                

“Kamusta na po si Ate?” tanong ni Ate Fely.                

“In labor pa rin,” he answered. He put his arm around my shoulders. “Gusto mo ba makita Mommy mo mamaya?”                

I nodded meekly. What’s labor?                

“Nadala mo din ba yung mga gamit para sa bata?”                

“Opo Kuya.”                

“Baka magtagal pa kami dito dahil hindi pa ready ang Ate mo. Normal pa rin naman daw yung delivery.”                

“Kuya, samahan ko na lang po muna si Karina dito sa kuwarto,” I heard Ate Fely said. “Samahan nyo na po si Ate sa delivery room.”                

Tumingin si Daddy sa ‘kin. “Okay sige. Sabihan ko kayo agad kapag okay na.” He gave me a gentle squeeze on my shoulder and kissed me on the head. “Dito ka lang muna, Rina,” he told me. “Puntahan ko lang Mommy mo.”               

 It was already eleven o’clock when I was awakened by a soft tap sa balikat ko. “Rina… let’s go meet your mom…”                

I was still very sleepy, dragging my feet along the corridor as I let Dad pull me papunta kung nasaan man si Mommy. We stopped outside a room where doctors and nurses were coming in and out busily.                

“Doc, ready na si Selene,” sabi ng isang nurse na naka-mask. “Pwede na po kayo pumasok.” She smiled at me. I knew she was smiling kahit naka-cover yung bibig niya. Her eyes were small and chinky. “Hi Katarina…”                

I was surprised that she knew me. Nang pumasok na kami ni Daddy, I could immediately smell several strong scents na nasa kuwarto. There’s a drape hanging around the bed. Nakikita ko yung silhoutte ni Mommy. Nag-alisan na yung ibang tao sa loob. Daddy pulled the drape open.                

“Hun…” my mom whispered, her eyes on him. I looked at her. Her long hair’s tied in a messy bun. She’s wearing a white hospital gown. There were dark

 circles around her eyes and her lips were pale and cracked. She was carrying against her chest a white bundle –                 

“Baby…” she croaked, turning to me.                

“Mommy…”                

She smiled, tears forming in her eyes. I was afraid na lumapit sa kanya. She looked sickly and very fragile. Naramdaman ko ang bahagyang pagtulak sa akin ni Daddy.                

“Go on, greet your mom and baby brother…” nakangiti niyang sabi.                

“Brother?”                

I thought I’ll have a baby sister. Mommy and I already decorated the baby room with a pink crib, pink pillows, and pink blanket. I even rummaged sa mga lumang gamit ko for old stuffed toys. I heard the tiniest sound in the room. The baby…                

“Rina… look, your brother…” mahinang tawag ni Mommy sa ‘kin, showing me the smallest baby I’ve ever seen in my life. He looked so tiny. Did I come out like this as well? Tumabi na ako kay Mommy, still keeping a safe distance between us.                

“Go on, kiss him.”                

Napatingin ako kay Mommy, then kay Daddy. They were smiling at me. Was it okay if I touch him? Careful not to put too much pressure, I balanced myself when I leaned forward kay Mommy. My nose landed on the soft white cloth na nakabalot sa katawan ng baby brother ko. He smelled so good. I gently kissed him on his clothed body.                

“Come here, honey… I want to kiss my little princess,” Mom said.  Nahihiya akong tumingin sa kanya. I felt too old to be called like that. I still liked the Disney Princesses but Giselle told me na liking fairy tale movies was only for toddlers.                 

My mom kissed me on my cheek.  “How are you?” mahinang bulong ni Mommy. “Were you able to rest?” she asked further. She turned to Daddy. “Hun, nakakain ba sila?”                

“I bought some food na nasa room. Hindi ko na ginising nung nakitang kong nakatulog na sila ni Fely.”                

A nurse came in and after a while, she carefully took my brother and went out.                

“Eunwoo’s going to be in the nursery,” sabi lang ni Mommy, noticing my gaze sa pinto. “He still needs help from other nice people so he can grow healthy.” I nodded.                

“Nagugutom ka na ba?” tanong ni Mommy. I shook my head.  I wanted to spend more time with her. Pinipigilan kong maghikab so they won’t send me off to the other room.                

“Sleepy ka pa?” Mabilis akong umiling.               

 “Magpapahinga na ulit si Mommy mo,” sabi ni Daddy, placing his hands on my shoulders. “C’mon, Rina…”                

I stood close sa kama. Nakapatong ang kamay ko sa may kumot. Mommy looked at me and held my hand.                

“Do you want to sleep sa tabi ko?” sabi niya. Am I going to make her uncomfortable if I insisted na tumabi sa kanya? She patted the little space on her bed. “Climb up, Rina… Dito ka.”                

Daddy helped me up. Nagpaalam na rin siya to check the nursery room. He kissed us goodbye at iniwan na kami ni Mommy sa kuwarto.                 

“I smell,” nakangiting sabi ni Mommy sa ‘kin, putting her arm around me.

“A-Are you okay?” tanong ko. I’ve been wanting to ask her this mula pa kanina.                

“Yes baby, I’m okay. Just a little tired.”                

Hindi naman ako makatulog ngayon. I was too worried na masyado akong gagalaw sa higaan and I might end up hurting mommy.                

“Sleep ka na,” sabi ni Mommy, closing her eyes.                

I closed my eyes. I could hear her breathing evenly sa tabi ko.               

 “Rina…”                

“Yes mom?”                

“Did I make you worry?”                

I held my breath. I was worried sick kanina sa waiting room. I couldn’t eat. I just waited hanggang nakatulog na ako sa upuan. I was having terrible imaginations about my mother and my unborn sibling. She started tapping me on my hip like those gentle taps she did nung pinapatulog niya ako when I was younger.                

“I’m sorry for making you worry,” she said, humming without a particular tune. “I’m alright, okay?”               

 I nodded, tears streaming down my face.                

“I love you, honey…”                

“I love you too…”                

She was still humming when I finally fell asleep. 

 It was only the two of us sa bahay. Mom already filed her month-long holiday sa work for the wedding. They also planned to take a trip somewhere after ng kasal nila. Eunwoo was in his classmate’s house. Susunduin ko na lang siya before dinner. Si Ate Fely naman umuwi sa Mindoro. Her family’s back in the plantation and she asked for a short break para makasama ang pamilya niya sa Pasko. She was a helper sa farm nang dalhin siya ni Mommy sa Manila kasama namin. She’s a few years younger kay mommy but like many other workers sa plantation, she only finished her high school studies at nagtrabaho na. Si Tito naman may tinatapos lang sa clinic. He also applied for a long annual leave. His private clinic will be closed until February.                

We were preparing something simple for the Noche Buena. Neither of us ni Mommy could cook well.                 

“Why don’t we just order some takeaways sa mga resto?” I suggested.                

“They have carbonara?”                

“Of course,” I said as a matter-of-factly. Binitawan ko na ang knife na hawak and got my phone from the counter. “What else do we get?”                

Nanlulumo lang naman si Mommy na napatingin sa ginayat niyang mushrooms. “Is it okay for us to buy? It would be nice to have some home-cooked meal mamaya.”                

“We’re not really good at cooking Mom …” I said to her.                

“I know how to,” she said defiantly. “I can roast a chicken.”                

I glanced at the fridge. “Do we have chicken?”                

Her shoulders dropped. “No… we don’t have one.”                

“Mom, it’s fine,” sabi ko sa kanya, browsing sa app ng mga restaurants. The were nearby malls sa subdivision namin. We had so many choices. “We can get pasta, or ribs, or sushi…”                

“Eunwoo likes carbonara. And your dad requested adobo.”                

I flinched at the mention of Tito. Your dad… Hindi ko na lang pinahalata kay Mommy yung awkwardness na naramdaman ko. “How about you?” I asked her.                

“Naalala ko tuloy yung hinanda sa atin dun kina Winter,” Mommy wishfully recalled. “It’s been a while since we had decent meals.”                

Three days ago pa nung umalis si Ate Fely. Since then, si Mommy na daw yung nagluluto ng pagkain sa bahay. When I arrived kagabi, Eunwoo was excited to see me and asked if I could take over sa pagluluto.                 

“I’ll order maya-maya na lang,” I said. “We can heat the food, Mom.”                

“May leche flan din and salad?” tanong ni Mommy.                

“I’m sure we can buy somewhere.”                

“Use my card, okay?”                

“Okay po.”                

Mommy’s probably used to others ordering food for her. She often told me na sa hospital canteen siya bumibili and rarely get food sa ibang lugar unless naglunch out sila ng mga katrabaho niya. Since we have Ate Fely who’s an excellent cook, hindi na rin kailangan sa bahay ang mag-order ng pagkain.               

 “Thank goodness sila mare ang magdadala ng pagkain bukas,” sabi pa ni Mommy, remembering the Christmas party. I really thought na we’d have some unknown people sa bahay na they invited. Akala ko din na someone very important like lola would come kaya ako pinapauwi ni Mommy. It turned out na joint celebration lang with Giselle’s family ang mangyayari. I was actually pretty happy na it was something informal compared to what I was dreading. At some point, I thought na Tito’s daughter would attend. How would I be able to face her…                

“Mommy…” I suddenly remembered something.                

“Yes?”                

Nililinis niya na yung kitchen counter. We made quite a mess.                

“Si Lola?” I asked. “Is she – is she going to attend the wedding?”                

Napatigil si Mommy sa ginagawa. I’ve noticed it even before. Hindi ko lang sinasabi because I didn’t want to… I really didn’t know why I was still protecting Mommy’s feelings regarding the wedding na hindi ko rin naman gusto in the first place.                

“She hasn’t responded sa invitation,” Mommy tried to smile. “Nagpadala ulit ako kay Fely ng printed copy. There’s plenty of time.”                

When Lola found out na kabit si Mommy, she almost suffered a heart attack. She’s a devout Catholic and the very thought that her daughter had done something sinful and immoral was like a dagger to her faith. She was already critical of their relationship nang mabuntis si Mommy na hindi pa sila nakakasal ni Tito. She stopped talking to them altogether nang malaman niya ang lahat. It’s been so long… I could still hear what lola said when Mommy went home sa Mindoro para sunduin ako after I ran away.                

 ‘Isa din akong ina kaya hindi ko ipagkakait ang anak mo sa’yo, Selena. Pero ilagay mo ang sarili mo sa kalagayan ng anak mo – paano mo nagawa yan kay Katarina? Hindi ko alam kung saan mo hinuhugot ang moral mo sa katawan. Patawarin ka nawa ng Diyos sa ginawa mo… Hayaan ko na lang Siya ang maghatol sa’yo. Hindi ko kayang intindihin ang pinaggagawa mo.’ 

“… and we were hoping na she could attend but it was a long shot kaya hindi na rin namin pinipilit.”                

Napatingin ako kay Mommy. I blanked out. Hindi ko na nasundan ang sinasabi niya. “Sorry Mommy,” I said, “pero can I go back to my room na lang?”                

“Rina…”                

I know I promised her that we’d talk ngayong araw. But it’s hard to be hopeful na may mababago sa pag-uusap namin. It’s all the same.                

“Can – Can we try, anak?” she softly asked. “You tell me… you tell me how you feel.”                

Silence. Parehong hindi namin alam saan magsisimula. We’re both gauging the tense atmosphere between us. Nasa may lababo si Mommy, mindlessly wiping the counters na kanina pa niya pinupunasan. I was seated behind the table, fiddling with my phone.                 

“What do you want to me tell you?” I asked silently.                

“Anything,” my mom looked at me eagerly. “How do you feel right now?”                

“I don’t know…”                

“Rina –”                

“Mom, I don’t know,” I repeated. “Naisip ko bigla si lola. I thought of what she told you. I thought na – na of all the things you’ve done, have I ever crossed your mind? Did you even think of me?”                

I was just staring at my phone when I said this to her. I couldn’t look at my mom.                

“I did all of those for you.”              

I gritted my teeth. “How were those for me?” Mahigpit na yung paghawak ko sa phone. “Was getting pregnant, was cheating on another woman – were all of those para sa akin?”                

I glanced at her. She was red in the face.                

“Rina, I know I made a mistake,” she said, voice low. “But please understand that I’ve been trying to correct those all these years.”                

I could feel goosebumps. My stomach was churning. I felt nauseous.                

“Why do you keep insisting that you did those for me…” I whispered weakly. Naiiyak ako. I hated crying over and over again for the same goddamn reason! I finally looked at her. “Why?” I asked, my voice louder. “Why do you always convince yourself that this family is something I wished for? Because every time you say that, I feel that it’s my fault that you chose to cheat. Every time Mommy!”                

“Wala kang kasalanan,” she replied, her nostrils flared, knuckles white na nakapatong sa counter. “Ako lahat ang may kasalanan Rina. I know that.” She covered her face with her hands, deep lines appeared on her forehead. “I don’t ever want you to think that it was your fault,” her voice was muffled by her hands. “Rina, I love you so much and I know that I wasn’t – I wasn’t able to protect you from all the pain. You suffered a lot dahil sa ‘kin… Anak, ginagawa ko ang lahat to protect you.”                

Umiiyak na si Mommy. I wiped my tears as I looked at her. When the news broke about their infidelity, she lost her credibility as a doctor. It took a while for her to continue her practice. She was shunned by her own mother. Lola continued to message me every now and then, but she refused to talk to Mommy. She lost friends. There were rumors back in the province. Lola kept me updated of the bad news. She became a household example of what a kerida was.     

My mom tried to keep it away sa school. She didn’t want me to carry the consequences of her actions. There were still some who caught wind of it but my friends helped me cope from those malicious comments.                

“Please anak… Is there anything that I can do?” Nangangatal ang mga labi ni Mommy when she spoke again. “I w-want us to be okay. I need to you be okay with me…” She covered her mouth and cried some more. “Alam kong mali ang ginawa ko and I’m trying to do the right thing now. I can’t turn back time and undo the things I did because that will be me wishing your brother gone! I am living with my sins, and I am giving all of me sa inyong magkapatid at the same time. Because that’s what I am. I am still your mother!”                

The tears were endless. I felt my body tearing apart sa nararamdaman ko. It was so painful… I sat there, choking back tears as I tried to contain my emotion.

Sumasakit na ang ulo ko. I miss my mom… I miss her so much. And the thought of her being unhappy, the thought of her suffering on her own, I couldn’t stop myself from sympathizing. She never once told me it had been difficult sa kanya… She was always positive sa mga nangyayari sa buhay namin. She hid all of them – the pain, the shame, the guilt…                

“Baby…”                 

Naramdaman ko na ang yakap ni Mommy. She closed the distance between us and I began crying.                

“Mommy…”                

“I’ve talked to her… to your stepsister.”                

Napatingin ako sa kanya.                

“Your Tito and I met her and I apologized for everything…”               

 I saw fresh tears welling up from her eyes. “I don’t think I will ever be someone she’ll think fondly of… Afterall, ako ang may kasalanan why her family was broken.”                

There was bitterness in her tone. “I’ve been trying to reach out to your – your Tito’s family,” pagconfess ni Mommy. I sniffed at her words. She stopped calling him my dad… “I was shameless to even ask for their forgiveness… Pero I wanted to. I don’t think I’d know how much pain they were in.”                

“Rina… I was selfish then and still selfish now…” she wiped my tears with her hands. She kissed me on the forehead. “I am asking you to try and consider being okay with the situation right now. I won’t pressure you anymore. I understand how you feel and I’m always proud of you. You have always been by my side and I don’t wish for you to change anything that you believed in… I’m just asking you na sana you still – you still give me a chance. I cannot lose you too…”                

Naiiyak na ulit siya. “M-Mom…” I hugged her tightly.                

“I won’t stop apologizing to all the people that got hurt… sa lola mo, sa pamilya ng Tito mo… sa lahat. If they would let me, I would try my best to meet with them.”                

“I can never justify the wrong things I did, anak. And maybe I’ve never suffered enough to pay for my mistakes. At kahit na nagkamali ako, I won’t abandon my responsibility sa inyong mga anak ko. I will never stop being your mother.”                

“I know, Mommy…”                

I kissed her like I used to. I saw the past years etched on her face. She was still beautiful as she was ten – fifteen years ago.                

We stayed in each other’s arms until she gingerly patted me on the back.               

“Nagutom ako, Rina.”                

I chuckled softly, reaching for my phone. “What should we order?”                

“Sana nandito si Winter,” Mommy whined. “She can cook.”                

“She’ll be here tomorrow.”                

“Oh yeah. Can we keep her?”                

I gave her a funny look at umupo na ulit. The doorbell rang.                

“Ang bilis naman ng order mo?” sabi ni Mommy, looking out the door.                

“I haven’t ordered yet,” sagot ko. After quickly fixing myself, nilabas ko na yung delivery guy na pindot pa rin ng pindot sa doorbell. Oh. I couldn’t hide the excitement on my face nang bumalik ako sa loob.                

“What’s that?” curious na tanong ni Mommy.                

“I got this for Winter,” sabi ko lang. “For her birthday.”                

“Di ba may regalo ka na sa kanya?”                

“That’s for tomorrow.”                

She looked at the packaging and raised an eyebrow. Mukhang familiar siya sa brand. “Katarina, is that a…”                

“It’s a ring.”