[Say What You Want – Texas]

 Twenty seconds on the back time

 I feel you’re on the run

 Never lived too long to make right

 I see you’re doing fine

I looked at Wendy driving the car, her mouth moving as she sings silently with the music from the radio channel.  I’m tapping my feet as well. Papunta kami sa bahay ni Taeyeon. Niyakag niya kami for lunch. Sila Sunny and Hyoyeon ay pupunta rin.

 And when I get that feeling

 I can no longer slide

 I can no longer run oh no no

 And when I get that feeling

 I can no longer hide

 For it’s no longer fun oh no no

Wendy turned to me. I looked at Joy na nakaupo sa backseat. They started singing the chorus together.

“Yeah you can say what you want

But it won’t change my mind

I’ll feel the same about you

And you can tell me your reasons

But it won’t change my feelings

I’ll feel the same about you”

I smiled. I suddenly remember Seulgi. Ewan ko pero the song reminds me of her. It’s this kind of music na I can imagine her listening.

“Fave yan ni Seul kantahin sa videoke,” sabi ni Joy. It’s as if she can read my mind.

“Oh…”

Wendy’s eyes are on the road. “It’s more than a week na rin na wala si Seulgi sa bahay. Sayang di siya makakasama with us ngayon. Nakakatuwa pa naman silang dalawa ni Yeri.”

Joy snorted. “Yeah, I don’t know anung deal nung si Yeri kay Seul. She’s super clingy and lagi pang nirerequest na samahan siya ni Seulgi sa kung saan-saan.”

“You don’t like Yeri?” tanong ni Wendy.

“Di naman,” sabi lang ni Joy. “Di ko lang siya ma-gauge if she likes Seulgi or kung nangti[1]trip lang siya.”

Tumawa si Wendy. I laughed with her, trying to mask the sudden interest I have sa topic. I have just started flirting with the idea of going out with Seulgi and kapag nalaman ito ng mga tao especially nitong mga batchmates niya and the whole Perthgineers, I can only imagine the riot and the noise they’ll make. I don’t need Taeyeon ringing me every day asking me if may nangyari na sa amin ni Seul. Or Joy eyeing us maliciously tuwing magbe-breakfast kami sa bahay. Or even Yeri giving me that ‘I told you so’ look… Being with Seulgi would be a headache for sure from all those kind of jeers and childish na panunukso. Pero what can I do? I’m friends sa mga di ko alam if mature or immature na mga tao.

“Shangaps,” Joy suddenly said, “nakwento niya sa akin yung pag-visit niya kina Tzuyu last week nung dumating siya sa Pinas.”

“She did?!” gulat na tanong ni Wendy, nanlalaki ang mata. “What happened?”

I kept my mouth shut, just listening sa dalawa. They can’t know yet na I knew what happened. I pretended to be disinterested and I focused my sight sa daan.

“Ayun, si gaga nagspend ng three days sa Bicol at dun pa natulog sa kuwarto ni Tzuyu!”

I bit my lip. Seulgi did say natutulog siya sa bahay nila Tzuyu. She didn’t tell me na sa room mismo ni Tzuyu siya natulog. I cleared my throat. Not my problem, I told myself. It’s not my concern.

“Tapos?”

“Hay naku, if I know, may ginawa na yung si Tzuyu kay Seulgi. And alam mo naman si Seul, di marunong tanggihan yung ex niya,” Joy continued.

I narrowed my eyes. Not my problem.

“Di naman siguro,” sabi ni Wendy, eyeing me before glancing at Joy sa mirror. “She’s close with Tzuyu’s family and di ba nagkabalikan na si Tzuyu and her ex? So I don’t think may mangyayari pa sa kanila ni Seulgi.”

“Di mo alam? Wala na si Tzuyu and yung ex niya. She’s currently single na ulit ngayon. Sabi lang ni Seul, may nanliligaw na guy sa kanya na dati nilang workmate.”

“Oh?”

“Yes! Kaya nga pinagsabihan ko si Seul not to go sa Bicol,” Joy pouted her lips. “She won’t listen. She just needs to confirm something lang daw.”

All of these information na nanggagaling kay Joy are all new to me. I know na Seulgi wanted to discuss to me her visit with Tzuyu pero I told her na we’ll talk about it once nandito na ulit siya sa Perth. It wouldn’t do any good if there will be misunderstanding between sa aming dalawa only because we decided to talk it out nang sa phone or chat lang.

“Sensya ka na, Irene,” nakangiting sabi ni Wendy. “We talk like this about batchies and stuff so just don’t mind us. Whatever you hear from here, mga chenes lang namin.”

I smiled. “I don’t mind.”

Looks like Seulgi hadn’t told her friends yet about sa amin. I’m both relieved and now annoyed dahil I get to know these details from Joy.

“Anyways, sabi niya na they talked about Tzuyu’s future,” Joy continued, looking at me funnily. “And niloloko daw siya na susundan na lang siya dito sa Australia. Like asked her literally if she can live with her.”

I held my breath.  I looked at the GPS sa phone ni Wendy na nasa may dashboard. Still twenty minutes to Taeyeon’s place. It’s the first time na gusto ko na makita sila Taeyeon and even si Yeri just to get me out of this car and away from Joy.

“Eh kilala na naman natin si Tzuyu,” Wendy said, frowning. “She likes to play on Seulgi’s feelings. She says those things nang di iniisip kung ano ba mararamdaman nung isa. Seulgi should know na she can’t be serious with that.”

“Well, sabi naman ni Seul na she didn’t really feel anything daw when she saw Tzuyu again. Like, di na daw siya nalilibugan.”

I nearly choked. Nalilibugan?

My God.

Did Seul really say this kay Joy?!

I am not really particularly aware how Seulgi and her friends communicate kapag wala ako. I can imagine na they’re more comfortable with each other and so I have already thought na they are more vulgar and honest sa mga sinasabi nila. I kinda thought Seulgi is a bit loose in terms of her vocabulary, given Joy doesn’t give a shit how she minces her words as well. Wendy is more behaved compared sa dalawa.

But now that I’m hearing it with different ears this time, I am more concerned how things will turn out sa amin ni Seulgi. Before, I didn’t care. But now… Kahit ilang beses ko sabihin to myself na it’s not my concern, soon enough, if things progress between the two of us, I will be dealing with these too. The main difference is kilala ko rin sila Joy and Wendy. They are my friends too.

Tumatawa si Wendy. “Well that’s good,” nasabi na lang niya.

“If that’s true, then mabuti nga. We all know na malibog si Seulgi and if wala na siyang nararamdaman, then that means it’s over.”

Three words ringing inside my head.

Malibog si Seulgi.

Oh God.

I don’t know what to feel ngayong nandito na kami sa bahay nila Taeyeon. I’m both happy and thankful na pwede ko na layuan si Joy who is still very much invested sa topic about kay Seulgi and at the same time, I am feeling anxious and cautious seeing Sunmi again.

Taeyeon told us na Sunmi wanted to spend lunch with the rest of us even after knowing na wala si Seulgi.

Seriously, how many girls do I have to deal with today na related kay Seul?

Then there’s Yeri who’s quick to notice my discomfort. She waved at me and I smiled at her. Then she pointed at Sunmi who has her back turned on us. Thankfully, no one noticed what Yeri’s doing. She approached me and smiled at me sweetly.

“How are you?” tanong niya.

“I’m fine,” tipid kong sagot.

“Di mo kasama si Jurina?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“Why? Busy siya?”

“I don’t know.”

“Why don’t you know?”

I stared at her. I’m starting to get annoyed with all her questions. I wonder if ganito rin siya kay Seulgi or anyone else na nakakausap niya.

She grinned at me, her eyes glinting. “Sorry. You know kelan uwi ni Seulgi?”

I can understand why Joy is annoyed with her.

“Next week?” I breathed. “You can ask her friends.”

Tumawa siya. “You’re a friend too, di ba?”

“Irene!”

Sumingit sa amin si Taeyeon and pulled me into a hug. “How are you? Where’s your girlfriend?”

I saw Joy and Wendy looking at each other from across the room. Sunmi, who is standing with Sunny and Hyoyeon looked on with surprise.

“You’re a lesbian?!” she asked loudly. “I didn’t know!”

Napatawa si Joy sa kinatatayuan niya. Tumatawa din si Taeyeon na inakbayan ako.

“Sorry,” she whispered to me, “I forgot may di pa pala nakakaalam dito.”

“I-It’s okay.”

Things moved on pretty quickly from there. Buti na lang at madaldal sila Sunny so nawala na sa akin yung topic. They’re used to seeing me quiet and unresponsive sa mga kwentuhan and events so the rest of them didn’t bother me na nang magsimula na kami kumain.

Taeyeon got promoted as Superintendent from being a Senior Process Engineer. Kaya pala bigla siya nagyakag ng lunch. She works in a consulting company for engineering processes solutions and planning. She worked before sa isang site din somewhere north and after three years of doing FIFO, she searched for a job in the city. Sabi niya, she got tired of her schedule. Bumili na rin siya that time of her own apartment kaya it was ideal for her to work na lang sa CBD.

She’s been here in Perth for over six years na. While I will be nearing my fourth year sa Australia. I knew why Taeyeon decided to stop doing the fly-in fly-out schedule. That’s about the time when she met Tiffany.

“Too bad wala dito yung iba.”

I glanced at Hyoyeon. I’ve been thinking about stuff di ko na namalayan kung saan na napunta ang usapan.

“Hindi si free si Jokwon and yung iba naman is di rin nagconfirm,” sabi ni Taeyeon. “It’s okay. Biglaan din kasi ‘tong plano.”

Taeyeon turned to Sunmi. “I was saying that some of our friends weren’t able to make it here because of the short notice.”

Sunmi nodded along. “Oh okay. Seulgi’s back in the Philippines, right?”

Taeyeon chuckled. “Yeah. I thought you knew that before coming here.”

Umirap kunwari si Sunmi. “I do! I came here to celebrate your promotion.”

Nagtawanan lahat. I smiled.

“Not for Seulgi?” tukso ni Taeyeon.

“I can go see her once she’s back,” Sunmi playfully answered.

I raised an eyebrow. Mabilis kong binura ang pagkainis sa mukha ko when I noticed Yeri staring at me from across the table. Tumingin din sa akin si Wendy and smiled at me. I smiled back. Napapagod na ko kakangiti.

Nagkaroon naman ng kantyawan sa table after Sunmi’s confident reply. She seemed cool about it and surprisingly turned to me.

“I seriously didn’t place you as gay,” she said, smiling pleasantly.

I reminded myself that Sunmi’s just being friendly.

“I’m surprised too,” I answered.

Nagtawanan ulit.

Sunmi cocked her head sideways. “Because when I saw you at the kitchen, I thought instantly that Seulgi likes you and… well, I thought that can’t be cause you’re straight.”

Nakikita ko ang pagpipigil ng tawa nila Joy at Yeri, even Wendy is finding it hard to contain her smile. Taeyeon, who’s sitting beside me, is already coughing and laughing at the same time.

Most of the people in this apartment don’t know that Jurina and I broke up. Only Joy and Wendy knows about it. And Seulgi. And Solar.

I glanced at my two housemates.

“I – I’m already… I was dating Jurina…”

Mabilis pa sa kidlat si Taeyeon.

“Was dating? Wait – Hindi na kayo?”

Why can’t I just lie about it…

I nodded. “And please, don’t ask. I’m not in the mood to tell you guys anything.”

Shocked si buddy na tumingin sa akin. She held my arm and her eyes are gleaming with anticipation.

“Buddy!”

“Oo na,” she giggled. “I’ll call you later.”

Tumikhim si Sunny. “Wow ha, every catch up talaga natin may pasabog na narereveal. Let’s make this a habit kaya para nagkakalabasan ng secrets.”

“Call ako d’yan!” seconded Joy.

I just wanted this afternoon to end.

Naubusan ako ng energy.

After ko magwash, I went back to my bed and sat on it, my back resting squarely against the headboard. Medyo basa pa ang buhok ko even though I used the hairblower. Nagyakag na ako kina Wendy na umuwi after namin kumain. Nagpaiwan na lang si Joy as she still wants to hang out with the others. I think they’re going to watch a movie and drink. I was simply too tired and too spent from all the conversations I had to sit through involving Seulgi.

Wendy also wanted to leave early kaya nauna na kami.

Before I took a shower, tumawag pa si Taeyeon sa akin. From the noise na naririnig ko, hindi pa sila tapos sa apartment niya. She asked about my breakup with Jurina. I gave her a summary or a rundown of what happened. I didn’t tell her my side of things. Yung nararamdaman ko when it happened. She was sorry about it and apologised kung masyado ba daw silang nanunukso kaya rin nakaapekto yun sa amin. I told her it’s no one’s fault and the whole thing didn’t work out kasi nga it’s not mutual sa aming dalawa ng ex ko.

Then she asked me about Seulgi.

I pretended not to hear it. I didn’t answer her. I guess she understood my silence and nagpaalam na siya. After we ended the call, I look over Seulgi’s last message.

She’s currently somewhere in Cebu or Bohol. Nagbabakasyon sila ng family niya.

I wanted her to focus on them kaya di ko na rin siya kinukulit.  We message each other early in the morning and then before we sleep. Sometimes, she’ll fall asleep while we’re on a call and I would listen to her gentle snores before I end it.

I don’t know what we’re doing.

I don’t know what I’m doing…

The past days without her stretched out longer para sa akin I feel constant anxiety as days go by. Kapag nakikita ko ang mga posts niya sa Facebook, I wonder if she thinks about me the same way I think about her. Although while I’m at work, I’m focused with my job, the moment I have time to think about anything else, she’s the first one that comes to mind.

It’s scary.

What would I do if – if things didn’t work out sa amin?

Seulgi has a lot of complications. A lot of relationships that are all vague and open.

With Tzuyu.

With Sunmi.

Who knows whoelse.

Pinagalitan ko ang sarili ko.

I shouldn’t be thinking about these. I’m just one of the women in her life right now na iniisip ang lugar niya sa kanyang buhay. I shouldn’t be affected.

My phone rang. I grabbed it from the table.

Jurina.

I stared at it for a second before pressing the answer button.

“Hello?”

“Hey Irene…”

“Hey,” I greeted back. “Uhm, you called?”

“Yeah… I just wanna catch up. How are things?”

I smiled at Jurina’s tone. She always has this cheery voice for me. I didn’t know how much I missed it until now.

“Things are fine,” I answered. “Jurina – ”

“What?” she laughs, “Bawal na din ako tumawag? It’s me calling a friend. I’m calling you as a friend.”

“Okay…”

“I just wanna know how are things with you, that’s all.”

“You know me,” I said, “I don’t have things. All I have is work and then, bahay.”

“Ahhhh, well same here. A lot more studying,” she whined, “I think it was a bad idea to take more units this semester.”

“Why did you even do it?”

“So I can graduate faster, of course.”

“So you can work?”

“Yep. And then I have more chances of showing you how much I love you – ”

I froze.

There’s an awkward silence between us.

“I’m sorry,” she quickly said. “F-Forget it.”

“We can’t go back yet to this,” I whispered. “I’m sorry, Jurina.”

“No, no…” she begged, “Irene… I – I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.”

I took a deep breath.

“Jurina… I already like someone.”

“Yeah, I know,” she answered back. “Seulgi…”

I swallowed.

“Are you dating her already?”

“No… But I like her and I don’t want you to get hurt again…”

I can hear her breathing loudly from the other line.

“It hurts either way, Irene,” sabi niya, her voice hauntingly sad. “But at least with this, I can talk to you and be your friend again…”

“I can’t always see you like that,” I replied. “Please… I’m sorry.”

I ended our call.

Sumasakit ulit ang dibdib ko. Am I doing the right thing?

Because I am pushing away the person who I know loves me so much… Because I’m giving her up so I can follow my heart…

This is really overwhelmingly hard. I looked at the time.

Seulgi hasn’t called yet.

I tucked myself under the quilt and closed my eyes. She might be busy.

My phone beeped. Probably notifications. I ignored it.

Then another beep.

And another.

For Christ’s sake!

Kinuha ko ulit ang phone ko.

GROUP CHAT

Perthgineers

Taeyeon, Hyoyeon, Sunny, Joy, Wendy, Seulgi, Irene, Jokwon, Yooa, Soyeon

Taeyeon:             Seul, look who’s with us

                            [pic.jpg]

It’s a photo of Sunmi and the rest na natira sa apartment nila Taeyeon.

Joy:                       busy ba si Seul?

Sunny:                 baka may ibang nilalandi sa Pinas

Hyoyeon:            hehe kasama si Tzuyu

I don’t need this.

I turned off the notication from the group and mute them.

Seulgi:                  hehe oh may get together pala kayo ulit?

Joy:                       san ka?

Seulgi:                  just returned with my family

Joy:                       sabi ni Sunmi meet daw kayo pag-uwi mo hihi

My phone rang again.

This time it’s her. Pinag-isipan ko din kung sasagutin ko ba ang tawag niya.

Nafrufrustrate ako sa sarili ko. I’m annoyed at how our friends push her to all the girls na kilala nila. I’m annoyed na I am this affected.

The ringing stopped.

Seulgi:                  Irene?

She messaged me sa Viber this time.

Seulgi:                  hey.. how are you?

My phone rang the third time.

“Hello?” I answered, finally.

“Irene, are you okay?” matamang tanong niya.

“Are you still going out with Sunmi?” walang kagatol-gatol kong tanong.

“H-Ha?”

“Yes or no?”

“N-No! I mean, no! Hindi talaga,” taranta niyang sagot. I quickly felt sorry for her. “T-The last time was nung – nung nakita mo siya sa kitchen and di na ako nagmemessage sa kanya… Oh God, may sinabi ba siya? Sila Joy?”

Somehow, yung panic niya ay nagpakalma sa akin. I realised how unfair I was and me getting angry dahil sa mga sinasabi ng iba about kay Seulgi is plain mad.

“I’m sorry…” I said. “I was in a bad mood…”

“Hyun, I’m sorry – ”

Natigilan ako. What did she call me?

Nag-iinit ang mukha ko.

“What did you call me?”

“Huh?” lito pa rin niyang sagot.

“Y-You called me… Hyun?”

“Oh… Uhm, ahh…” Seulgi murmured nervously, “Sorry, I won’t call you like that – ”

“No,” pigil ko, still red in the face, “I – I like it.”

My real name’s Joohyun. I use Irene since ‘yan na ang nickname ko sa org namin sa university. I carried it hanggang dito sa Australia.

There’s a nervous chuckle from the other end.

“Hyunnie…?”

Natawa na ako. “Don’t.”

“You don’t like it?”

“I do…”

“Then I’ll call you that pag tayo lang.”

I blushed at the thought.

“I’m so sorry if they annoyed you about… about sa ‘kin,” sabi ni Seulgi. “I wish I can tell them to stop pero you know how they are… they’ll ask stuff and baka – baka malaman nila yung about sa inyo ni Jurina and about sa atin.”

“Seul…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry… Don’t worry about it. I’m not mad anymore.”

“You were mad kanina?”

“They keep partnering you up with Tzuyu and Sunmi,” I said in a small voice.

She laughed.

“Stop it,” I said, grinning shyly.

“I’m sorry,” sabi niya, the glee in her voice is obvious. “Uhm, we’ll talk about it pag-uwi ko

d’yan?”

“Yeah…”

“Goodnight, Hyun…”

“’Night, Seul…”